There is no cow level…

Happy April fools people

the topic of the day: Starcraft II

 

Pulling a pretty slick april fool’s trick, the people at blizzard have given us – Cow Marines.

The reference which i’m sure everybody gets a little better than me is the Taurens from the warcraft seires.  I haven’t played it but you can’t deny that’s pretty cool.  Blizzard has fully rendered these dudes and has animations of them in combat on the site, so maybe some cheats in the final game might make these guys playable. Just thinking out loud…

Anyway, check out the higher-res image and read the armor graffiti, cuz it’s too good to pass up. (not milk)

also please check out blizzard’s SC2 site if you haven’t done it already, cuz it’s one of the best game sites out there. Plenty of media on all the races and units, not to mention a very comprehensive community section with archives of FAQs and developer discussions.  LINK

Spring Cleaning

Hey, i just survived the punch to the xiphoid process that is midterm exams, and having begun to catch my breath i thought it would be a good time to do some spring cleaning. That means the temp bookmarks must go, and so you benefit by catching a glimps of weird shit that builds up on my hard drive.

Let’s take a look.

✓ AZN babes

First we have a link to a very engaging porno promo for Dead or Alive: X2, featuring dumb asian models in swimwear. Probably not that interesting unless you have balls or are really into volleyball games… it can sorta also work as a japanese study tool…

✓ Pixel Posters

These posters are crazy pixel- representations of what several cities around the world would be like on large doses on acid. Each of the posters goes for €16 which i think is like $25 American, and a few have full-resolution jpgs like the one above if you’re interested in a desktop that’ll make your eyes cry blood.

✓ Avatar Software

>< this is so cool it hurts a little. Check out the Gizmodo article, but first watch the youtube embed. I sense a rocking in the future of VideoChat.

✓ BoingBoing’s Unusual list of sex-related terms

I’m a little suprised at myself for not having posted this sooner, but this list includes important vocabulary for any and every nympho out there looking for a better way to express their eunoterpsia.

✓ Zombie Survival Test

My brother sent this to me, it’s pretty interesting and geared towards diehard ‘Zombie Survival Guide’ and ‘28 Days Later’ fans. If you’re looking for a grade on your zombie survival skills then it’s worth a look, although i can’t really speak for the accuracy. I got Cs on mental and physical parts, Fs on my zombie knowledge but still passed the whole survival test with an A. *shrugs* i guess it means i’ll stick to battling zombies on my PSOne.

Okay that’s enough for one update, hope everyone is enjoying their spring breaks!

The Importance of College: an Expose

I can only assume that the pathetic bureaucracy that is employed in colleges is some sick backwards kind of education. Any system that takes itself this seriously while being this messed up must be directly impersonating our own American government. If this is what i have to look forward to in “the real world” then i’m moving to Africa.

For those of you interested in going to college and earning yourself a fruitful career, the best of luck to you. For everyone else (high schoolers) excited that they finally get to escape the crappy food, social cliquishness and shallow, self-serving, football-worshiping world that is public school, i’ve got some bad news for you.

College is here, and like the italian dude with the gland problem who sits behind you in lab, it’s gonna punch you in the reproductive organs and steal all your money.

The worst part of college is not getting the joke. I must be crazy, this is exactly how i felt when Borat hit theaters. “It’s amazing” i hear. “It’s the second coming! Hayuk hayuk!” and then what follows is the same 3 jokes a thousand times a week for the next 4 years. This is college, once again i’m the only person not laughing.

Here’s some things to know:

1. You won’t learn anything. Maybe, if your the kind of person who found culture day enlightening in high school, then maybe you’ll come out feeling ahead. But college is a collection of people not qualified to teach, who are randomly assigned topics with overly-complicated subject names and who read from textbooks they purchased 2 days before the start of the term. Guaranteed nearly anything of value you could learn at college could also be learned on your own with a textbook, or even wikipedia.

2. You’re paying pant-loads of cash. The money you spend on college is disgustingly large. If help-fund infomercials are to be believed, then a single college tuition bill could theoretically feed an entire nation of starving children in africa for a month.

3. Your degree means jack. The next time you see a successful person (unless you consider lawer/doctors successful,) ask them what degree they got in college. Spend your time jerking off for 4 years and get your diploma in advanced theoretical social application of trigonometry, and hand that to your interviewer. See what happens. In this day and age you can’t get nowhere with a high school degree, but a college degree just shows that you had the time and money to waste an extra 4 years of your life pursuing “new media.” So really, what you’re looking at is a class separation tool designed to privilege those with the cash over those who can’t afford $30,000 tuition fees.

4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. AND 10.

College is a fad.

A game. A ruse. And the math adds up,  take this ‘high school level’ equation: A (tens of thousands of dollars cash) + B (4 years minimum of study) + C (future pain of loan debt and a fresh start on a life of bad credit) = D (jack shit) and also E (for EXCELLENCE, an intangible but wonderful gift promised by cartoons on the walls of every math class in America) with a possible F (a degree with a nondescript title on it, signifying 4 years of study under confused PhDs and applicable only to an imaginary job title called “advanced socio-economic theorist”)

Forgive the rant. But if the nation told you to punch yourself really hard in the junk and then give them all your money… well you still wouldn’t be blowing 4 years of your life.  And you’d probably learn something.

Why panda’s having sex? Because it calms my soul a little.

That Reese’s Guy

It’s intense how in this day and age you can be exposed to the highs and lows of human output in the same afternoon. In the past week, I’ve seen Across the Universe, and Hitman. I’ve read Slaughterhouse V and watched the first 20 minutes of The Hulk. Yeah, and I’ll never be reimbursed for those 20 minutes.

What’s the point? seems like there isn’t any. It’s just something i’ve been thinking about. And when my mind wanders it tends to stick to the negative, like thoughts of a Metal Gear flick, or the rumored John Woo Metroid.

A halo movie would likely cause a rip space-time at the box office, the resulting vacume bringing an end to all life on earth and also fulfilling the destinies of both Fox and Microsoft (extinguishing happiness and extinguishing free thought, respectively)

Whatever though, let’s move on to less depressing topics:

Happy Vday! I got you a card:

Josh sent me this after i worked up the courage to ask him to the valentine’s ball. Thanks Josh.

Now, for those of you who do have dates, and who feel drained after shelling out your hard earned dough for chocolates and flowers, i have something for you too.

If your cleverly planned scheme to make it through Atonement with a mug of mountain dew didn’t yeild the results you were looking for, maybe it’s time you tried these pain-free torture techniques on your partner.

:: disclaimer – i take no responsibility for person or animal harmed attempting these techniques ::

1. Smear marshmallow fluff on their elbows while they sleep. It’s proven that human beings can’t lick their elbows, and you try getting that stuff off with anything short of good old spit.

2. Rub their underwear with peach jelly and leave them stranded atop a ladder/tree in a giraffe zoo. For better results make sure they’re wearing a skirt. This is torture, so that applies to either gender.

3. Tie them to a bed, belly exposed, and leave a cellphone set to vibrate on their naked stomach. Leave and tell them you’ll call within the hour. This is outdated chinese water torture with a modern twist. Bonus points if it’s a cold phone.

That oughtta teach em to fall for ya…

‘Expect Us’

Anonymous vs Scientology 10/02/08

Anonymous Strikes!

Apparently on sunday Feb 10th around 300 b-tards took to the streets protesting Scientology. Note the black suits, meme signs, and V masks (epic fail guy masks)

who’d expect anon actually had the motivation to leave the house?

Greifing

TEAM ROOMBA PRESENTS: More Team Fortress 2 Griefing

This is an old story, but one i never got around to posting…

If you’re looking to kill some time, this is an amusing example of what happens when online gaming gets old.  These guys are playing TF2, and having fun doing what is called ‘Greifing’  – more or less being buckets of old douche and screwing things up for all the people trying to enjoy a moment of mindless pretend violence against their fellow human beings.  But if you’re gonna be a dick, you might as well be a clever dick.  I can’t help but chuckle.

Just short of inspiring

Since i haven’t updated in a while, and since i’ve been told i should, i wanted to do something profound and interesting today.

Sadly, i don’t feel all that profound or interesting.

so instead of waiting for lightning to strike, here’s an update so you all know i’m still alive.

Let’s see… popular topics… how about smash bros?

Since the japanese release, news has been vomited across the world… just adding more steam to nintendo’s publicity engine which has been turning constantly since the inception of ‘The Dojo”.

The strategy this far has been to give up tons of game details months before it’s even playable. Interesting technique, on the one hand generating a never ending stream of hype for the title, making it one of the most anticipated games EVER,* yet also probably dissipating some of the ‘new-game-smell’ that comes with such anticipated purchases.

For example, would the c-stick waggle-able menus in SSBM have been nearly as memorable or tear jerking if there had been an episode of GT TV dedicated to the subject? Probably not.

Well in the long run, profits win, and considering all the goodies nintendo has already shown off I’m sure there’s still plenty to keep players engaged.

The true tragedy, though, is finally having a solid character list… *warning: possible spoilers, if you haven’t been paying attention*

All the infinite possibilities of new characters, limited only by the heights of fanboyish imagination, have finally come tumbling down in light of the final character roster.

Among the rumored unlockable characters were

- Dante

- Knuckles

- Sam + Max

- Fonzie

- The entire cast of Penny Arcade and VG Cats

- Abraham Lincoln

- The dude from Pitfall

- God

- and Megatron

I, personally, was hoping for Krystal from the new Starfox or Pocky and Rocky…

BUT INSTEAD, we got another handful of pokemon, plus Starwolf – slightly more manly than falco, tho personally i think asking for more than a single clone of any character is getting greedy. But that’s just the way it is.

One comforting confirmation for me is the return of a familiar face -

Only a little sooped up with a Twilight Princess makeover, which is more than enough to get my panties damp, the end result looking like this:

I’m happy.

Look for a more emotionally moving post later on when i feel like it.

*probably not, but you can’t measure anticipation so who’s gonna know

Politics

 Just caught this headline from CNN

“Gender or race: Black women voters face tough choices in S.C.

Analysts say black women this year never have been more engaged in a political campaign or held such power in determining the Democratic nominee.

Recent polls show black women are expected to make up more than a third of all Democratic voters in South Carolina’s primary in five days.

For these women, a unique, and most unexpected dilemma, presents itself: Should they vote their race, or should they vote their gender?

No other voting bloc in the country faces this choice.”

I’m sorry ahead of time for being so nieve about politics, but is this right? Does anyone else find this really funny?

‘Oh my gosh, which of my minority affiliations am i going to vote for???’

Maybe it just seems funny, but i’m always a little concerned when people assume votes based on a race or a gender.  Because Obama  is black he’ll get all the black votes?  Hilary’s a lady, so she’ll get all the democratic girl votes?  And now the black women are screwed cuz they don’t know which way to go…

Maybe this is weird, but perhaps the runner’s political agenda might play a role in the deciding process for black female democrats this year.

Critics, plz – grow some hand-eye coordination

Watch this first

Wtf?

That bothers me.

reasons why:

1. ‘a game that hasn’t stood the test of time’

compared to? The last time i played cybernator (last tuesday) it seemed like a perfectly competent title, compared to the other 35 snes backup roms on my harddrive.

2. Simply ‘meh’

In a world of overcomplicated mechanics, where action RPGs (shudder) move consoles, a game with simple yet satisfying construction should be worshiped. It’s a rare game where simply moving or shooting is fun to do, and with 4 upgradable weapons and dense levels with seamlessly integrated shooter segments… ‘meh’?

3. The controls

Oh shit. Cybernator manages to do two things very well. It manages to convey the sense that you’re controlling a ten-ton, gun-toting, shell-spilling metal goliath in 2d. And at the same time kick ass like a ballerina with a machine gun, some hand-eye coordination required. oh, that’s the hang up…

so now on to the real issue: PEOPLE WHO TRASH A GAME BECAUSE THEY MISTAKE LACK OF SKILL FOR A FLAWED CONTROL SCHEME.

let’s take a look at the victims:

Gun Valkyrie – widely misunderstood shooter for the xbox. Reading reviews online gives up just how ignorant people can be. An awkward control automatically re-centers your target, snapping it back to the center of the screen. Running is slow and awkward. But a skilled player notices that the point of the game is using the jump pack to zip quickly across levels, and through skilled jet-boost chaining and shooting combos, the valkyrie can stay in the air as long as your pace keeps up. The control scheme is all about timing and coordination. Busted controls?

Ninja Gaiden, also for xbox. The controls are flawless, without exaggeration. If there is such a thing as a perfect game interface, this is it, and if you don’t believe me, you haven’t played it. And still, you or someone you know has bitched about this game’s camera. Nvm the action sequences look like they have a wachowski brother running the camera crew, but at anytime a single trigger pull brings the view back centered perfectly behind you. But one would have to assume it’s easier for some to blame the camera rather than their skills.

Onimusha (see also: resident evil, silent hill) and the ‘tank controls.’ For those not familiar, instead of using the joystick to navigate the character in relation to their location on the screen, the control stays the same at all times. Ready? Up goes forward, down goes back, left and right turns. For some reason this triggers slacker dyslexia in a majority of game reviewers refusing to think things through. All of the above titles have something in common: pre-rendered backgrounds. Pre-rendered means no dynamic camera, which means camera cuts, which means the directional control (in a based-on-screen-position system) flips ever few steps. For an example look at the first Devil May Cry. In the case of onimusha, the only serious combat-heavy title in the list, a lock on feature makes the enemy the center of movement, and the tank controls enable easy strafing and evasion.

Not to say that every game is gifted with perfect controls, but too often good games are being hit with childish complaints. In the future give yourself time to learn the controls and practice with them before labeling a title broken.

P.S. – watch for weird in 2008

quick update: 3 weird playstation titles to look forward to in the coming year:

Echochrome

 according to shacknews: “By simply rotating the camera, you save the life of the mannequin figure who traverses Echochrome’s geometric platforms. It’s a game of perspective, aimed right at the heart of Escher. “

Little Big Planet

 Oh, you’ve heard of it?

Patapon

 More of the actual gameplay is beginning to come clear, apparently Patapon plays sort of like an RTS you control using rhythms to issue commands. Recent gameplay footage reveals some amount of stat handling and individual eye monster equipment customization. Looks cute.